Before
Cassia's beginnings began in a time of chaos. War had started in Iraq and I can remember watching the news pregnant and seeing that the first bombs had sent many mothers into premature labour and that hospitals were struggling to accommodate and care for the early babies. In my life, my husband and I had bought our first home, got married, and my mother had died, all in the space of a few weeks. 2 months later I got pregnant. Then I got crippled with continual, unforgiving nausea and the usual exhaustion. All this, and a lack of knowledge about the current midwife situation meant that I didn't try to book a midwife until my 4th month - and you can imagine the result. So I went through some months of fear and uncertainty and one unpleasant visit with a consultant who worked in the local Health Board Centre. My fear of hospital rose to phobic levels.

In January, with 4 months to go, a friend agreed to let me have the baby in her house and so avail of the Holles Street Home Birth Programme. This was a huge relief, though I was still worried that I might end up in hospital more readily than with an independent midwife. Also, it slightly took away from the point of having a homebirth, it wasn't perfect, but it was good in many ways.

I had been confused about my dates, and had only had a late scan. I was reassured that this wasn't a problem, until I passed my 9 month mark, and some of the midwives started to mutter darkly about induction. A week and a half went by, on the hospital clock, and I got more and more scared and stressed out. I was counting days to my 14 day deadline, after which time I would lose my home birth no matter how alright the baby was. I talked to an independent midwife who gave me advice on dealing with a proposed induction, and ultimately said she would attend me at the last minute, if the woman she was waiting to deliver did so. She told me to call her at the last minute if necessary, but I wish now I had got her to call me if she knew she was free, it would have saved a lot of stress! Why is it so hard to be assertive when you're pregnant?

During
Ultimately, I got acupuncture to induce the baby, 2 sessions on Thursday night and Friday Morning. They were just as bad as I had always feared, and I hope I don't have to do it again!! But on Friday morning I had had a show and I spent Friday having mild cramps. I also went to my cranio- sacral osteopath to right my pelvis, which I think is why Cassia's head hadn't descended much. I had mild cramps all Saturday night, which were strong enough by Saturday morning to have to put the tens machine on. This was great and I wish I'd done it earlier, I would have got more sleep.

That morning I had to go to Holles Street for a scan, to check all was well. I had until midnight on Sunday to be dilated one centimetre in order to keep my homebirth. We waited the usual age in the hot waiting room, while Cassia kicked and wiggled all over the place. When we finally got scanned, she didn't move an inch, which meant that I had to be hooked up to a sensor. The doctor had to leave, while I had contractions enough to make me need to bend over and use the machine or have my back rubbed. It transpired the sensor machine wasn't working so we had to go to another room and I was wired up to one that was working, intermittently. This needed 45 minutes of our time.

A Domino midwife did an internal, which brought on a big show, and said that my cervix was totally effaced and ready to begin dilating, though I hadn't quite yet. She explained the dangerous results of letting babies go past two weeks overdue, brushed off our insistences that it wasn't really two weeks, but one, and vehemently promised us that neither she, nor any other members of the team would be attending a homebirth after 14 days. We were sensitive obviously, but there seemed to be something unfriendly and intransigent about this that made us both feel very insecure, and unable to trust the programme. It awakened all our fears and reservations about it.

We went home to Bray, having been at the hospital for 3 and a half hours - car journey VERY uncomfortable. I kept my appointment with my osteopath, which really brought on contractions until it was hard to lie down. While there, I met my friend from ante natal class who had had a beautiful baby girl a month before, which was a wonderful way to start my labour. Paula the osteopath again told us that the baby had a beautiful silver-white energy, that she felt she was a girl, and that she could see reddy- brown hair, all of which was true!

I went home and quietly got on with contracting. I asked my husband to ring the independent midwife around 5.30pm, to see if she was free. And - he just didn't! I don't know if he was shy, or in denial, or what. I got on with it in our bed upstairs, finding an all fours position most comfortable. Suddenly it was 10 o'clock, time to go to Dalkey if we were going. My friend in her late 70's was worrying about us. I couldn't face getting in the car, I wanted to stay home! I forced Niall to ring the midwife and she was wonderful! She basically asked me what I wanted, and said she would come straight over. In my notes she describes me as 'chirpy'! I don't think she believed I was in labour yet - you know these first time mothers!

When she arrived 45 mins later, she made sure we were happy with everything, and examined me - I was 4 cms dilated! Niall went to the house in Dalkey to collect up our careful preparations (sigh!). By midnight, I was at 7cms. I was comfortable, dealing with the cramps nicely, listening to music and had candles lit in the bedroom. I was sitting on my birthing ball, leaning on my mother's chest of drawers feeling fine. The midwife said she thought it would be a quick birth.

All was going well. And then, it stopped. My keytones had been up and my blood sugar dropped, so I ad been drinking mugs of honey and lemon, forcing them down me. But despite getting my sugar back up, I still had a total slow down. By about 4am my husband had a sleep, leaving me to pace around upstairs, trying to get things moving. Nothing did! Stupidly, I held off ringing my homeopath 'til 6am, despite the fact that she was waiting for me (again, why so unassertive!). My contractions continued enough that I couldn't sleep, but not enough to get the labour to progress.

At one point I almost fell asleep on my feet, mid pace. Such exhaustion! And the disappointment of knowing my dilation had more or less gone into reverse. The most disheartening thing was when it got light. Gone was that lovely secret midnight birth feeling. The sun came out and the birds started tweeting, loudly! The midwife at one point said that we still had the option of breaking my waters, and I nodded, perfectly happy that that would be the right thing to do if necessary. At no point had Cassia's heartbeat faltered.

She asked Niall to come and do some nipple stimulation and went out for a walk to give us some privacy. This is really unfortunate: Niall had picked up a cloth with clary sage on it, and it had triggered an allergy. He went into sneezing fit after fit and started sniffing loudly and continuously. This is something that I have very low tolerance for normally, while in labour with someone sitting behind me twiddling my nipples while sniffing down my neck, it was UNBEARABLE, so that was the end of that collaboration, and I got on with it myself. This, together with 2 remedies, seemed to get things going again.

Unfortunately, when the contractions came back, I felt like my bladder was being squeezed with nut crackers, nowhere near as pleasant as the previous night's pains had been. One problem here was that I had had great success with the tens machine, but I left it on too long. At a certain point, it started being uncomfortable - I had to turn it up too high, and it seemed to be buzzing down my hip joint, yet I was too nervous to take it off. This meant that Niall couldn't try massaging the acupressure points we had been shown, and I regret that, as I would have liked the contact and his help. I think I had been too vehement about wanting my space, with the result that everyone was scared to come near me. I'm afraid the abiding image of that part of the labour is of me walking towards Niall during a contraction while he backed out the door!

When I finally asked if I could lean on him, he said 'Sorry! I thought you were going out, I was trying to get out of the way!' Oops! My only other stressed out moment was when the midwife came to check on me sucking a boiled sweet - as I mentioned, I'm phobic about that sort of noise, and trapped in contractions, I just couldn't bear it, so I think I demanded forcefully, shall we say, that she take the sweet away until she was finished. She told Niall back downstairs that she thought I was getting close. Little does she know that I'm like that ordinarily as well!

Things went on, I went to the toilet a lot, trying to shake the pain in my bladder, to no avail. The midwife kept taking readings of the heart beat, and I would wait with my heart in my mouth, but it was always ok. The contractions got bigger and I started feeling scared. I asked Niall if I could have some gas and air, and he relayed the request. The midwife said 'Oh no, she's thinking of the other midwives, my oxygen's just for the baby'. I think Niall went pale and danced up and down in fear at that, but she just said 'OK Jo, let's get you into the shower.'

All I needed was someone to take control, so that was fine. The shower was good ( I just wish we had a nicer one!) and I stayed there for about 45 minutes, feeling the baby move down and trying hard to moo with my contractions! The midwife sent Niall in to watch me, and just gave him encouraging nods each time she heard me shout. It seemed fast before I came out and we went back upstairs (how??). This was at 2.10.

The contractions seemed hard and overwhelming to me, this was transition. I remembered the 'ha-ha=blow' breath that I'd been taught in my ante natal class, and that got me through them, just like my teacher had said it would. Thanks, Judith. The midwife felt Cassia still wasn't engaged enough, and got me to squat between Niall's legs while he held my arms, sitting behind me. This was really painful, and brought the contractions to another level, though I liked the contact. When it had worked, I went down on hands and knees and ended up facing away from both Niall and the midwife.

This part was the hardest for me, because at no point did I want to push, I just knew I had to, but I felt so very very weak. If there had been a man in a white coat, I would have begged him to just do whatever he could to take the baby out of me. I would dread each contraction and then push weakly, falling off in the middle of each. I just thought 'I can't I can't I can't'. And yet I heard the midwife say to Niall 'She looks amazing, doesn't she?' And he answered 'Yes, she looks so strong.' At this point Niall said that all my back muscles were standing out like Greek sculpture, so obviously something involuntary was going on - locating my back muscles is not normally possible!

My waters broke at 2.35 and I pushed for about 30 minutes, though it felt like forever. Cassia was born with a whoosh, at 3.05. Her head came out easily enough, and the feeling, though burning, was far less awful than the feeling of it coming down the birth canal, which had really freaked me out. Her shoulders suddenly burst out, surprising the midwife, but feeling SO GOOD to me, though I tore a little, I presume at that point. I looked down at my baby and she looked so beautiful, but her eyes were closed.

After
She looked just like my Granny, no, exactly like my father. The midwife snapped into action, suddenly becoming all speed and business, while before she's been reserved and deferential, not saying much and giving us lots of space. She used a little tube to suck Cassia's airway clear and gave her some oxygen. By the time we asked if everything was ok, it was. Cassia had had her chord around her neck, and was born not getting oxygen, but 2 minutes later she was fine. I knew she was a girl, but Niall had to check! He cut the chord, and we sat on the bed together, marvelling at the child in my arms. This was the picture I'd dreamed of since my broody teens!

But suddenly the joy was cut short - I had another contraction. What was this? Hadn't they told me that after the baby was born all the pain went away? I had utterly forgotten about stage 3! This just slayed me. I was so tired, I just wanted to get clean and get into bed with Niall and Cassia. And here was the midwife telling me to PUSH AGAIN?? I felt like I was four! Push again?? Not for anything could I do that! The midwife kept assuring me it would be fine, but I was just filled with panic - I even asked her to just pull it out. I ended up sitting on the loo over a bowl, and finally summoned the courage to push it out, and it was fine, though alarmingly slithery and squishy coming out.

I don't know what I'd expected? During this, Cassia got hungry, but had trouble latching on, and my arms felt too weak to hold her up. I had this overwhelming feeling of not wanting to have to hold her til everything was finished and clean and tidy, poor baby - but I did. The midwife tried to get me into the bath. This would have been magic, but we hadn't thought to turn on the crappy hot water, so I showered instead. Next time I will get extra helpers in, who are free to think of these things! She showed us both the placenta, and how it was complete.

Niall spent most of that night on the sofa, holding Cassia and looking at her, drifting in and out of sleep - in a sitting position, because he was afraid to disturb her. I slept til 6 am and woke up with a fright, not knowing where anyone was. I made the huge mistake of coming downstairs, feeling like every part of me had been hit with a bag of rocks. The second time I did this, I could hardly get back up, my hip went out and I had to drag my leg along! Note to new mothers: don't get out of bed for a week, even if you feel you can 'go outside and move the trees', as my German homeopath says!

It is now 18 months later, and Cassia has just started sleeping through the night. It has been long, and and permanently exhausting, but she is the best thing I have ever experienced in my life and every day I look at her with more and more wonder. I am so grateful for my homebirth, I feel I was rescued and blessed in being able to stay at home. I had been able to deal with whatever emotional issue slowed my labour, though the midwife conjectured that perhaps the chord being around her neck could have kept her out of harms way til right at the end, then sped up the delivery, accounting for the fast birth.

I regret not having had a water birth, which I would have chosen had conditions been different. I will definitely have more people around next time, and invite much more physical contact - no more making people be afraid to touch me! And please God, the baby will be a sleeper - though I wouldn't ask for anyone more amazing than Cassia.

Throughout my pregnancy I could feel her fierce will and determination. She was exactly the same as an infant, and God, as a toddler even more so. It is so strange and awesome to recognise completely the spirit of the baby I carried.

About a week after the birth my baby blues set in. The elation I and felt about it all flooded away, and I was consumed with regrets about all the minor things that hadn't been the way I wanted them. It was such a turnaround. I had also felt adamant that I would never want to do it again - mo more pushing babies heads down the birth canal for me. Of course I don't feel like that anymore, and am actually starting to feel quite broody again - though not for real - not quite yet. I need to catch up on two years of no sleep first!

Jo Murphy
6/12/04