Birth account
of Aubrey

Words for my little one

My precious Aubrey, as I look at you tonight, I'm astounded that already you are three months old and this is the first time I have had a chance to write these words to you.

I'm constantly caught off guard when I look into your eyes and I get butterflies inside and I feel the intensity of love I never thought possible. I'm sure I felt these feelings for your brothers but its you that's dominating my world at the moment and I cannot get enough of you!

So many memories already and a whirlwind of emotion since you've been born. Such a journey to date, I had an inkling you would begin your journey a few days before you were due as I lay in the bath in awe of your constant movement, followed by lower back pain - distant yet familiar period like aches. I awoke with a strong sense that you were on your way and phoned Philomena to let her know what was happening as we were all gathering at the High Court to hear the big decision about the future of Home Birth for us.

I thought there was the beginnings of a show and felt that secretive smug feeling again and told everyone I met at the courts so it was no longer private! Daddy was summoned home from work to do his thing and fill the pool, while we were all devastated at the ruling against us. I was in another world, almost spaced out and in a way preoccupied by the sensations within me. Helena drove us to Smyth's to choose two baby dolls for Callum and Reuben so we could all play with our babies together..

Meanwhile life carried on with brother's routine as usual. It felt important to me to ask your Aunty Claire to be present for your birth and to sprinkle her magic fairy dust and share her words of wisdom and healing with all of us. She knew intuitively that you had begun your passage into this world. How was this journey from your perspective little one?

I kept Philomena informed throughout the evening and knew to call when things were really moving. Michael went food shopping and cooked a wonderful meal, which I'll never forget the taste of! Food seemed really important around the time of your birth, maybe my senses were heightened and I had more appreciation of it?

And then came the challenge of bed time. Reuben fell asleep with Dad, surprise, surprise. But Callum seemed tuned into you, and couldn't switch off until I told him you wanted to come but you needed him to be asleep. He concluded that it was a bit like Santa Claus and tried so hard to go to sleep but it was Claire's enchanted fairy stories that did the trick.

Meanwhile I was crawling the walls downstairs, desperate to go out into the wild stormy night. I knew my body wouldn't let go until my little boys were safely asleep. Once all was quiet we escaped and strangely called to a neighbour to see her newborn baby. It seemed so surreal as she was really negative about birth and would never go through it again. I felt my body contracting as we spoke and welcomed the pain, knowing each one brought us closer.

I have had such wonderful experiences of giving birth, of receiving the gift of these precious miracles and knew it would be worth everything I had to go through to meet you.

Claire and I carried on our way and felt the wild wind in our hair and against our skin. We looked crazy and we battled our way, laughing and talking and dancing in the leaves. We stood on the footbridge in darkness and watched the river Liffey race underneath. My body felt wild and racy inside, alternating with silence and calmness as we walked back home.

I phoned Philomena again and she was waiting for a phone interview for the radio in the aftermath of the earlier decision. The fire was blazing in the living room, your birth candle lit beside your brother's candles. The pool was filled. Night lights lit up the entire room and it felt like such a sacred space. I couldn't bear the idea of music, and felt intolerant of it throughout your pregnancy which was weird for me, so the room was silent. Reuben was so unsettled and seemed to call out all night. I remembered how Cal had done the same while I was in labour with Reuben!

Philomena arrived around midnight, full of infectious excitement, which was wonderful. At about 1am she checked me, and I was devastated when she said I hadn't dilated at all and wasn't in active labour despite contracting. I doubted myself at that moment and felt a weirdly familiar lack of confidence in my body.

Towards the end of your pregnancy I developed pain in my pubic bone and this seemed to throw me a bit, and the pain of the baby I miscarried never left me despite you growing inside me. I had a scan and saw you little Aubrey, and still had to grieve for India as it was her due date. Here again I felt let down and strangely self-conscious.

Philomena suggested sleep and asked me what I wanted her to do, given that she didn't live far away. I felt a sense of panic and asked her to stay and possibly rest in our house rather than leave.

Everyone settled down but I watched the clock for a couple of hours as I couldn't sleep. I was putting so much pressure on myself. I wanted you to be born during the night and on the 6th as it's my favourite number, and while your brothers were asleep, and before Claire had to go to work. A lot of demands..

All of a sudden, I couldn't lie down anymore. I had to keep moving. Downstairs I built up the fire again, relit all the candles and adored the space and the quiet.

The birthing pool looked so inviting. It felt amazing to watch Claire sleep on the sofa, and to know everyone else was in the land of nod, but you and I were very awake. It was so primal as I instinctly got down on all fours and secretly thanked Trish Malone for her yoga classes and showing me this position.

I longed again to be outside and couldn't believe the calmness after the stormy winds earlier. I gathered wood and chatted to Asia, our rabbit and watched how the stars seemed to almost pulsate in the sky. And then it was time.

I had completely forgotten the pain of childbirth, and this amazed me. At about 4.45am I went upstairs to let Philomena know things were happening. I was thrown by a huge contraction and then started vomiting. Philomena checked me downstairs and I was 7cms and ready for the pool. As soon as I got in I felt in a blissful state that I can only describe as 'coming home' and then for a few minutes nothing happened.

I was in a state of oblivion and was brought back to reality with an offer of a mug of tea from Claire. This arrived along with my Father's homemade brown bread and real butter. I'll never forget the taste of that either! Philomena was worried the contractions had stopped and that things could slow down, but as if I read her mind, declared I felt the need to push.

Another mouthful of bread and a sip of tea, 3 pushes and out you came. 5.14am! I held you ,and my heart melted. My love for you and desire to protect you were so strong. Michael and Claire saw you but I wanted to keep you in my arms and tell you how much I loved and wanted you. Tears flow as I write. I have never known such exquisite love as the love that is generated by a newborn baby. It's so innocent and so pure and unbreakable.

I phoned your granny and granddad from the pool, modern technology at its best! Next thing I heard Reuben get up. He came downstairs and said, ' is our baby borned?', and proceeded to strip off and climb into the pool, new doll in for a swim too. He started to kiss you, and he hasn't stopped. I don't blame him, you have seriously kissable cheeks!

Cal woke up and called out meekly from the landing, 'did our baby come in the night'? He shyly approached and established you were a boy and said 'oh I love babies so much', and was really reserved, and I think a little overwhelmed. I kept trying to get you to latch on, to help deliver the placenta, but that wasn't really effective and it took nearly 2 hours for it to come.

Daddy cut your cord and by then I felt ready to share you and to get out of the pool, and had a gloriously hot shower. Claire had a chance to greet you before she went to work. I know she was blown away by your arrival, by the normality of it, yet the miracle of it. I know it has made a huge impact on our relationship and to date we haven't had the space to talk about it, we will when the time is right. I know it was hugely important for both of us and her presence was powerful for me, and no-one else can make me tea as Claire can!

Philomena checked you over and stole a few cuddles and then Granny arrived, as proud as punch! She delighted in holding you until you had your first poo! Meconium all over her..oops. Another tale for your 21st birthday party.

Helena arrived and at that point I felt a huge well of emotion inside, and of pride and such love. It was amazing, a connection with a soul mate who could look at you with the same eyes, and hold you with such tenderness. In the middle of all this, Callum and Reuben went to school, delighted that Daddy was taking them for a change.

I sat and looked at was going on, and it all felt a little surreal. It seemed such a huge experience, and so different to your brother's births, yet I don't know why.

Philomena said her goodbyes and granddad arrived. Daddy cooked an enormous breakfast, which tasted delicious.

It's hungry work giving birth!

Your name took a few days to be decided, we had a few options.

If Reuben had his way he would have called you 'Little Bonnie Fu Fu', or Snow White'!

And so the days passed by with lots of excitement and chaos and absolute delight in you.

You were photographed for the Examiner Newspaper as you were the first home birth baby born hours after the High Court ruling.

Life has been interesting for you to date, but that's another story!

Love Mum
Annah Knight