Oscar was due about the 9th to 12th of December 2001.

John, Art (born March 1998) and I moved to Dublin from County Clare in January, 2001. A friend of mine, Frieda, who lived near us in Co. Clare, had told me about Kate Spillane, midwife (Kate had attended Frieda's second birth) and I contacted Kate as soon as I knew I was pregnant.

Her visits were always a pleasure and she and Art had great fun together each time she called. I ordered a birth pool from Padraighin and joined the Home Birth Association. I met Nora and her family during the summer of 2001 and she gave me all her back issues of the Home Birth magazine and Monica gave me a loan of Spiritual Midwifery by Ina Mae Gaskin.

Reading those birth accounts and meeting other women who had given birth at home gave me confidence and was a great preparation.

I remember at one of Kate's visits I was a little uptight because I had intended to go to Holles Street to yoga classes to learn breathing techniques. Kate said Take a deep breath in, now breathe out again, again that's all that's to it now you wont have the hassle of going to town. Another myth demystified!

We had had a very stressful summer followed by a very busy week around Halloween. Art and I went to the seaside with some friends. It was unseasonably warm. We were up and down to Dublin for the cars NCT test and running errands.

On Friday, the 2nd of November I woke up feeling fine and then got a temperature, very suddenly. Kate prescribed rest. Art still nursed and had to be weaned immediately as I had had a couple of bloody shows. This was pretty frightening for him and a very sudden loss but he coped very well. I explained that the nanoos were broken but when the baby was born they would be fixed again. John had to come and bring us home from Co. Wicklow to Harolds Cross because I could not drive. We were losing the baby but we did not realise it. I don't know what we would have done without the help of Nora and Shay Hannon.

Art and I moved in with Nora and family the following Monday week. Art went off with Liam and Adam each day. Oscar was familiar with the sound of Robbie practicing the pipes and Shay playing the tin whistle in those few days. I grew noticeably each day. We went home that weekend and the following Monday we went back to Nora and Shay. That Wednesday (14th of November) John finished work about 6 and stayed for dinner. I had been restless that day. John left about midnight and I wanted us to go home with him.

At about 2am my waters broke. I had got up to go to the loo and thought oh no, what now, I'm incontinent. It took a few minutes before it dawned on me that my waters had broken (just as they had with my first). I went back to bed and contractions which were like cramps started. Very manageable. I breathed through them and realised that they were coming regularly. (Art had been born in hospital and although my waters broke in a gush, hospital policy did not permit me to go into labour myself. I was induced by oxytocin, followed by epidural etc.)

At about 3am I rang John for Kate's phone number and she was able to time the contractions over the phone. They were about 5 minutes apart. I asked Kate whether there was something I should do to delay labour like lying on one side or the other. I still had not realised that this was it. Kate and John arrived at 4 am. Kate examined me but I felt nothing, a very gentle examination. I was 4cm dilated. I did not feel like moving. Kate said that there was plenty time (what she meant was that we had plenty time to go from Nora's house to ours before Oscar was born (a 5 minute drive).

John bundled Art and me into the car and off we went. When we got home I went straight up to the bedroom. John took Art into the other bedroom but I could hear him fussing and roared at them to come in to me. Art came in and was still fussing. I was trying to talk him back to sleep but then let out such a shout (contraction) that he dived under the covers and slept through most of the labour.

Frieda had mentioned to me in passing that when she was in labour she found a sound from deep within her that was unlike any sound she had ever made. I found the same and the thing that blew me away even while I was labouring was that my body, including my vocal chords, knew what to do without any rehearsal (or yoga classes). The roaring regulated my breathing and at the crest of each contraction the intensity diminished the deeper I roared. I laboured on my hands and knees on the bed. I was clueless as to how long labour would take and the thought crossed my mind that I would never keep this up for ten hours. But I had no need to worry. The contractions came fast. Then I started to sing (involuntarily). I was fully dilated.

I was singing the scales just before the head crowned. Art woke up at this time. Then I felt like screaming so I did. This was when John told me to push. I felt irritated because I did not have any urge to push so I didn't. Oscar almost appeared about 4 times and then his head popped out (so I'm told). Art told me I was making too much noise. The rest of Oscar arrived.

Kate put Oscar on my back and then I passed the placenta. It felt really hot but not unpleasant. Kate helped me to lie down on my back and Oscar and Art both nursed. John cut the chord when it had stopped pulsating and Art helped. We took some great photographs.

I had torn in the same place as I had when Art was born. Kate did a terrific stitching job. She took about 45 minutes to do the job properly. I could not believe that I had no pain or stinging after she had finished. I went to the loo and no pain. I remember being sore for nearly two weeks after the tear in hospital.

I was amazed at how great my body felt after the birth. I felt that I had exercised very hard and my body felt really good. I was as high as a kite. The labour had lasted from 2.00 to 5.50am but the serious contractions had lasted from 4.10 am to 5.50am. I could not fathom how so many women were depriving themselves of this experience.

John made porridge with maple syrup for all of us. It was divine. We spent some time admiring Oscar, congratulating ourselves and chatting and then Kate had to go. John and Art went to town to buy a television and some videos, (the television was a mistake!) and we nested.

Nora had mentioned in passing that the new baby might have a very restless night on the first night and so it was the case. Oscar was so tiny (7lbs 5 oz) all length and his body shuddered with dry sobs as though reliving the birth. The night after the birth I woke during the night and was afraid to go back to sleep. I had a premonition of my death or perhaps, in hindsight, it was a remembrance of my birth. It was horrible. I experienced an abyss, nothing, a vast nothing, blackness. I was terrified and upset. I woke John and said that I never wanted to die that I would not be resigned to die ever I wanted to see my boys grow to men and to see their children and their children's children. I never wanted to leave them. I howled around the kitchen that it was not right that these two gorgeous babies would die and be no more. It made no sense to me. I had just given birth and I was in mourning and it was intensely emotional. I could not reason my way out of it. The feelings gradually became less overwhelming. The only other birth account I had read which referred to death was Monica's account of Oran so I don't know whether this experience is common or not. For the moment the mystery of death has been buried and I remain uneasy about the whole thing. Perhaps if I am lucky enough to have another baby at home fresh emotional insight into the whole question will be given.

Kate came for daily visits which were bliss. They were so soothing, the lovely baths with Oscar, Kate fluffing the pillows just perfectly (I never figured out how to do them the way she had), the long chats; just a big oasis of nurturing which was like a continuous ritual and celebration of the birth of this gorgeous baby.

What a shame that so many mothers and babies (and families) are deprived of this care. John and Art found it as difficult to let Kate go as I did. I am very fortunate to have had a home birth. John witnessed the birth of one of his children as it was meant to be. I wonder how many obstetricians have every witnessed a home birth?

Art was fascinated to see his baby brother being born - one of the most natural things in the world and has been asking me (accusingly) why he was born in a hospital. I regret that the three of us missed out on a home birth first time round.

Trish